גיטין מט, ב
יותר ממה שהאיש רוצה לישא אשה רוצה להנשא
More than a man desires to wed, a woman desires to be wed.(Gittin 49b).
When a couple marries under traditional Jewish law, the husband undertakes several financial obligations which are outlined in the ketuvah. Among these, he agrees to provide money for his wife in the event that the couple divorce or that he dies. In today's daf, the Talmud discusses what kind of land the husband may provide for this payment to his wife. Rabbi Yehuda opined that the land may be of inferior (rather than average or superior) quality. The reason is that a woman is so eager to marry, that she will do so even if her right to collect her ketuvah payment was limited to inferior land. Or as the Talmud puts it, יותר ממה שהאיש רוצה לישא אשה רוצה להנשא: "More than a man desires to wed, a woman desires to be wed" (Gittin 49b). Since she will agree to marry even if she will only receive inferior quality land in the event of divorce or her becoming a widow, there was simply no need to demand the husband provide any better land.
We have come across a similar concept when we studied Ketuvot (86b). There the Talmud asks: What would happen if a man owes money to both a debtor and to his ex-wife to pay for her ketuvah? The answer given is that if this unlucky person can only repay one of the debts, he should repay the creditor and not his ex-wife. Although this ruling might discourage women from getting married in the first place, the Talmud was not be concerned, because "more than a man desires to wed, a woman desires to be wed."
We've had other occasions to look at sweeping statements made by the rabbis of the Talmud about ways women view marriage. Resh Lakish famously stated (יבמות 118) that "it was better for a woman to live with a husband than to live alone" (though you may recall that there were at least four ways to understand this statement of Resh Lakish). We also noted that the late Rabbi J.B. ("the Rav") Soloveitchik believed that this statement reflected "an existential fact." (It also turned out that he was wrong.) While the Talmud does not seem to suggest that its psychological insight is an "existential fact," does it have any validity to it in today's society? Do women really want to be married more than men?
SOCIETAL NORMS CHANGE VERY FAST
In June 2015, the US Supreme Court ruled that same sex marriage was guaranteed by the Constitution. The lesson here is that societal norms of about all aspects of marriage are changing very quickly. It may indeed have been true in talmudic times that women wanted to marry more than did men, but our society is vastly different. And with that note of caution, we may proceed.
“The history of marriage is one of both continuity and change.
Changes, such as the decline of arranged marriages and the abandonment of the law of coverture, have worked deep transformations in the structure of marriage, affecting aspects of marriage once viewed as essential. These new insights have strengthened, not weakened, the institution. Changed understandings of marriage are characteristic of a Nation where new dimensions of freedom become apparent to new generations.”
WHO WANTS TO BE MARRIED?
In 2011 the anthropologist Helen Fisher and two colleagues released the "largest and most comprehensive nationally-representative study of single men and women ever done." Fisher is a biological anthropologist, and a Senior Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute. She is also the Chief Science Advisor to the Internet dating site Match.com Anyway, she surveyed 5,200 single people in the US aged 21 to over 65, and found "a new picture of single Americans emerges that is radically different than it was 50 years ago..." And what of the talmudic claim that women are more eager to marry?
This national survey clearly shows that men are just as eager to marry as women are; 33% of both sexes want to say “I do. (Helen Fisher 2011. The Forgotten Sex: Men.)
So today in the US (at least according to Fisher's survey,) it is not correct to say that women want to be married more than men. Some of Fisher's other findings about the attitudes of single men might surprise you too:
Men in every age group are more eager than women to have children. Even young men. Among those between ages 21 and 34, 51% of men want kids, while 46% of women yearn for young. Men are less picky too. Fewer men say it is important to find a partner of their own ethnic background (20% of men vs 29% of women said this is a “must have” or “very important”); and fewer say they want someone of their own religion (17% of men vs 28% of women said this is a “must have” or “very important”). Men are also more likely to have experienced love at first sight...
It’s also true for the Japanese
The results from survey-type studies must always be interpreted with caution. Who was asked? What age were they? What gender? Where did they live? What was their socio-economic status? And so on. So, does Fisher’s 2011 survey reflect more than just the views of those who were surveyed? There is some evidence that its results are indeed more generalizable, and it comes from a survey of marriage intentions in Japan, published in 2021. Specifically, the survey looked at “positive, negative, and passive marriage intentions and desires among men and women who have never been married.” (The study used such famous databases as the Japanese National Fertility Survey and the Japanese Life Course Panel Survey). It found that Japanese men and woman had almost identical desires to get married, as you can see on the figure below:
Trends in marriage intentions by sex and age, 1982–2015. From Raymo JM, Uchikoshi F, Yoda S. Marriage intentions, desires, and pathways to later and less marriage in Japan. Demogr Res. 2021; 44: 67-98.
Let's give the last word to Dr Fisher, and remember the danger of assuming that human nature does not change.
My colleagues and I have put over 60 men and women ages 18-57 into a brain scanner to study the brain circuitry of romantic passion. We found no gender differences. This..study supports what I have long suspected: that men are just as eager to find a partner, fall in love, commit long term and raise a family.
It’s an illuminating, indeed myth-shattering, new set of scientific data. And the sooner we embrace these findings, and fling off our outmoded and unproductive beliefs about both sexes, the faster we will find—and keep–the love we want.
